


If It Takes You, Will It Break You?

by she_who_the_river_could_not_hold



Series: The 100 Chopped: Fic Challenge [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Canon-Typical Violence, Clarke is 18 1/2 and Bellamy is 20, Day Trip AU, Drug Use, F/M, Halloween, Mild Smut, Modernized Canon, Samhain, also the suburbia aesthetic is strong with this one, sex pollen (kinda), the drugs are jobi nuts and it's consensual use!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 11:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21252479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/she_who_the_river_could_not_hold/pseuds/she_who_the_river_could_not_hold
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke, past classmates who distanced themselves from each other, are two stubborn witches in need of an escape from their homes. They hadn't planned on running into each other, but it seems like fate had other ideas. Their night takes a turn though when after consuming some of Monty and Jasper's jobi nut brownies, they run into an old enemy of Bellamy's. In between hallucinations and fights, they'll discover that old feelings do die hard.A modernized, magical take on Day Trip for Chopped: The 100 Round 3.1st Place for Theme: Modernized Canon3rd Place for Tropes: Sex Pollen/Love Potion/Etc. and Magic AU





	If It Takes You, Will It Break You?

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Halloween! Here we go with round three for Chopped: The 100! The prompts + tropes for this round were:
> 
> 1\. Modernized Canon  
2\. Magic AU  
3\. Character saying “you expect me to do X?” and then cutting to them doing X  
4\. Secret Places  
5\. Sex Pollen/Love Potion/Etc
> 
> I’m also taking advantage of the bonus optional trope of “Halloween” and the bonus poll question, “best smut” for this story! 
> 
> In this fic I reference Samhain (pronounced “sow-win”), a Gaelic festival that’s still commonly practiced by Wiccans to celebrate the end of the harvest season and into winter. Samhain isn’t interchangeable with Halloween, but they have a lot of similarities so I’m featuring both! In this AU, mortals and witches exist together so I’ve created it that both are celebrated depending on who you are. Since this is also a Day Trip inspired AU, the jobi nuts are standing in as hallucinogenic drugs that they choose to take consensually. There is also smut (!) in this while they are coming down from eating the jobi nuts since one of the effects of them for this fic is increased sexual attraction. However we’re keeping everything consensual here so for this, you only feel it if you already feel it towards someone.
> 
> Title from “Out of Time” by RAIGN.
> 
> That should be all of my preemptive notes haha. Enjoy!

The air crackled with frantic energy, even after Octavia had slammed the front door behind her on her way out. 

Bellamy supposed he was lucky that she hadn’t channeled it at him, instead letting the static permeate around her. Her eyes had flashed as they’d shouted at each other, memories of her throwing furniture around as a kid with a wave of her hand briefly entering his mind. Unlike then though, she held her anger in check and her magic remained at bay. That didn’t stop the disruption though, his skin tingling from the traces she had left behind in her wake. 

“I can’t recall the last time I heard you two shout like that,” came his mother’s voice from the kitchen table. “It’s at least been a year.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Bellamy spun around. She cocked her eyebrow at him, her fingers nimbly sewing the robe in front of her. Her hair was falling out of the loose braid she had done that morning and the pile of fabric beside her was nearly complete, the dark shadows under her eyes accented by the overhead light above her. Guilt overtook him. She was tired enough as it was, she certainly didn’t need them arguing.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. 

She kept staring at him though and he let out a huff of air.

“I’m just adjusting to living at home after the dorms last year, it’ll get better.” 

He wasn’t entirely sure if that was true, but it was better to say that instead of the truth. That somehow in a year of him being gone for his freshman year of college, he felt like he’d lost his spot in their household. He felt too big for their small, leaning house on the corner of their neighborhood. He was too overbearing for his sister, growing up too fast for his mom (even though that damage was done too long ago to even bother fixing). 

Anger was still licking away as his insides, his own magic thrumming deep in his core. He couldn’t just sit and watch her sew until her evening tarot card readings, watching as clients slipped in to have their inner conflicts revealed. She would be even busier tonight too, as mortals and witches alike took advantage of the energy of the season when divination skills were at their strongest. And he certainly didn’t want to pace up and down the house, waiting for Octavia to return from her date. A date with a man that almost a year  _ older _ than Bellamy. He’d nearly cursed out his mom at the very idea, but then he remembered her own history with men. It was a conversation that would have gone nowhere.

To his credit, Lincoln seemed fine. He was a nice guy, an artist at the same college as Bellamy. And it was a date at their town’s Samhain festival, something he’d been to before, and they’d be surrounded by people. It was tame all things considered.

It didn’t mean he wasn’t going to stew over it though.

But that hardly seemed like a way to spend his Friday night as twenty-year-old, so with a quick kiss on his mom’s cheek, he dug his skateboard out from under his bed and burst out into the evening.

The sun still climbing down towards the horizon, bringing dusty purples across the sky with it. The fall air was crisp and he shrugged his jacket on tighter across his chest as he stepped onto his board. He hadn’t really skated much over the fall or even summer, but it felt nice to get out of the house with it. An occasional cat scurried past, ducking under cars and through shadows. Front porches sagged and while some houses were blank, others had blow-up Halloween decor or fake zombies crawling out of the grass. 

This side of Arkadia was more run down, he knew that. He hadn’t ever been ashamed of it either. People over here worked hard for what they had and embraced the simpler things. A mix of people, magic and mortal, lived here. It was unique for most of the city where it was usually more divided between the two. Not always about class, but sometimes unavoidable.

Which was why he was startled when he almost literally ran into Clarke Griffin.

As it usually was with people you went to high school with, at first him and Clarke had just been acquaintances. He hadn’t really paid much attention to her until his junior year. She’d ended up in a mixture of his classes depending on the subject, the small private school utilizing the co-mingling of grades. She’d been an overly cocky, stubborn sophomore. And maybe he had been a cocky bastard too, but this girl gave him a run for his money. Alright, and  _ maybe _ he hadn’t rid himself of the chip on his shoulder at having to be a scholarship student to the most prestigious school for kids from magical families. He didn’t need some bratty girl correcting him all of the time just because she’d grown up in a functioning, fully-magical and rich family.

His senior year had been the closest they’d become to being something akin to allies. He had perceived her as stuck up, but it turned out she was one of the few people there who saw beyond him being a “welfare student” as others had called him. She went out of her way to challenge him, not as a judgement, but because she saw him as her equal, academically and magically. 

Which meant at his graduation, they’d actually hugged and she’d told him that her last year was going to suck without having him there to push her. And then she’d given him a soft kiss on the cheek and he’d wondered if she had magic on her lips as her touch lingered for the rest of the day.

All of it, the statement, hug, and kiss, had confused him and he’d spent his freshman year of college not quite able to escape the thought of her.

“Hey, watch where you’re going,” she sort of snapped at him, before recognition cleared on her face. “Bellamy?”

Picking up his skateboard, he struggled to still process her standing in front of him. It almost made him angry, thrown off by her appearance when she’d been haunting the edges of his mind all the last year.

“What are you doing out here?”

He didn’t mean to sound rude, it just slipped out as he stared at her. 

“My mom’s hosting an event tonight, she’s planning a run for Chancellor,” Clarke said after a long pause. “I couldn’t be there. Not tonight.”

“But why Arkadia?” 

His brain was screaming at him to stop interrogating her, but it had been a year since they’d interracted. As if somehow it didn’t matter that they both had phones and social media to reach out with, keeping each other instead locked away in memories.

“I had to go where Wells wouldn’t think to look,” she replied quietly, fidgeting with the edge of her sleeve. Bellamy took in the flannel that she was wearing: the way she swam in it, the distinctiveness of its masculine structure and frame on her. A flashback to a couple years ago to the one week of school Clarke Griffin had ever missed and the headlines that had questioned the mysterious death of renowned enchanter and engineer, Jake Griffin. 

So instead of the snide comment he’d been planning, Bellamy swallowed his words. Clarke tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and he hated how he found himself naturally tracking her movements. Even a year apart hadn’t been enough to remove that magnetism he felt towards her.

“What are you doing?” She asked, her eyes drifting down to the skateboard. 

He shrugged. “I figured I’d see who’s at the skatepark tonight. You’re not the only one who needed to get out of the house. Why? You want to join?”

A familiar wry smile grew on Clarke’s face and he felt himself relax too.

“If you don’t mind. I don’t feel like being around anyone I actually like right now.”

He let out a cough of a laugh at her candidness. Eyeing her cautiously, he contemplated what to say next. When he had left, he never would have thought he’d spend his evening with her. But since seeing Clarke, he hadn’t really thought of Octavia and her date with Lincoln once. What was the harm?

The first couple minutes were about as awkward as they could be, though he suspected with anyone else they would have been worse.

He mentioned how his sister and mom were doing, she responded equally about her mom. It was a bit stiff since they were clearly avoiding both sets of family. She gave him a quick run down of her senior year so far and he told her about college and how he’d finally decided to major in history and arcana. 

She lit up briefly at that.

“Oh you’ll love it! My dad studied a lot of arcana back…” her voice trailed off and Bellamy contemplated hitting himself with his skateboard for her reminding her about him.

They fell silent as they continued walking. He was in the process of wracking his brain for a new topic when she spoke up again.

“Tonight… is the anniversary of his death.” Clarke’s voice was small and he nearly stopped in his tracks at her words. “It didn’t even occur to her until I shouted it at her. But it was too late, everyone was about to arrive and she refused to call it off. So I left.” 

She gave him a long sidelong glance before continuing. “I came to Arkadia because Wells wouldn’t even think to scry this far from my home. It seemed safer.” 

It was probably the only time someone had described Arkadia as safe and in any other circumstances he would have laughed. But the pain etched on Clarke’s face stopped him. So instead of forcing her to dwell on it any longer than she needed to, he falteringly explained to her why he was out on his own tonight. Starting with Octavia’s announcement that she was dating a college student, quickly delving into his struggle to find his footing living at home again.

She somehow knew how to ask the right questions. He hadn’t really thought of the phrase “active listener” very much before, but Clarke was the definition of it. The burden she had been holding onto seemed to lift as they talked and his own tension was releasing as well. Their conversation, now about their favorite Samhain (and occasional Halloween) traditions, carried them to the skatepark. It was almost a blur how quickly their walk had gone through the silent streets.

The skatepark was illuminated by two street lights, a bright spot =compared to the dark playground next to it. Fresh sigils had been spray painted on the otherwise peeling turquoise paint on the walls of the main bowl and he wondered if his name was still carved on the underbelly of it from middle school.

As he had expected, a group of people were clustered on one end of it. Raising his skateboard, he let out a whoop, which was then excitedly returned as he was recognized. He caught Clarke giving him an amused smile and an odd look, to which he laughed.

“When you grow up on this side of the tracks Princess, you never really outgrow this place. We just still keep coming back.”

“King of the delinquents,” she teased. 

Maybe a year or two ago he would have been pissed at that, but now he recognized the lilt in her voice that kept any heat out of her statement. In fact she seemed almost impressed. 

Once they’d climbed up to join the others, introductions were quickly made. 

Murphy gave a jerk of his head at his name. His standoffish attitude could be a deterrent to others but at his core, Bellamy knew Murphy was a loyal guy. Plus he was the best kitchen witch he knew. Miller, Bellamy’s best friend since childhood, was a mortal but managed to be the best thief he knew, even without being able to cast any illusions. 

Monroe waved from the bottom of the ramp, her helmet flashing a bright green as she worked on some maneuvers with her roller skates. She was on a roller derby team called “The Grounders” – which seemed to give her a connection to Clarke, who knew an old teammate named Raven who had been forced to quit after an injury. Miller told him that Jasper and Monty were on their way, apparently with  _ treats _ .

With the oversized flannel on and her mussed up hair, Clarke seemed to fit in better than he ever would have thought she would have. It hadn’t occurred to him to worry about something like that, but he experienced an odd sense of relief as a natural conversation took over the group. She and  _ Murphy _ even seemed to be getting along well. 

Clarke balked at the offer to try her hand at getting on a skateboard though, so she instead settled on one of the decks to watch.

It wasn’t intentional on his end to be flashier in his tricks that night. He hadn’t planned on impressing Clarke, but once he saw her gasp in delight when he caught some air, he couldn’t help himself. 

And so what if he used an extra kick of magic to help him here and there?

They killed time like that for a little while, Clarke oohing and ahhing over their various tricks that they were able to do. It was a rush to feel the wind race past him again and he had completely lost all of the anger that he had been holding onto from earlier that day. Before long though, the arrival of two more friends brought everyone back together beside where Clarke was sitting.

Monty and Jasper arrived to similar cheers as Bellamy and Clarke, though it was in part to what they had brought with them. They determinedly kept it behind their backs though until they got to officially be introduced to Clarke. But then everyone kept begging and they finally gave in.

With a flourish, Monty whipped off the tupperware lid and Jasper did a drumroll on his thighs.

“Brownies?” Clarke voiced skeptically. 

Monty tutted and shook his head. “Jobi nut brownies.”

Miller let out a shout of excitement while Murphy and Monroe fistpumped each other. Clarke however only looked confused, turning to Bellamy. Shit. He hadn’t really thought about the fact that Clarke most definitely had never done drugs before and he hadn’t even known the guys would bring anything. Most of the time it was just a joint or two, but it looked like they were in for a fun night if they chose to partake.

“Didn’t you guys fuck these up last time?” Miller asked suddenly, pausing before taking a bite. 

That question caused Clarke’s eyebrows to immediately shoot up and Murphy started cracking up, shaking his hair out of his eyes.

“Oh yeah, Griffin you should have seen it,” he explained excitedly. “Monty spent like two hours yelling at us about the moon. And then everyone got the shits and ––”

Monty and Jasper took that chance to defend themselves, incredulous that they had been considered a failure. The trio’s voices were raised until Clarke let out a loud cough until they turned to her.

“Okay, regardless of whatever happened, can someone please explain what happens if I eat one of these?”

Shooting one last glare at Murphy for his teasing, the two guys adopted what best could be described as a failed attempt at serious expressions.

“I think there are different stages to it this time.”

“Definitely. See a bunch of random shit. Experience all of the emotions.”

  
Bellamy frowned at that as Monty and Jasper carried on. “What do you mean all of the emotions?”

Jasper wiggled his eyebrows lewdly at him as he snapped his goggles on his forehead. 

“Well my friend,” he intoned seriously. “Emotions such as fear, your hopes and dreams, maybe fucking the person nearest you.”

Everyone around them sputtered and Murphy nearly coughed out half of the brownie he had already eaten. Monty, glaring at Jasper, shook his head adamantly. Clarke was looking absolutely stunned at all of this and Bellamy grimaced at the brownie in hand.

“He’s exaggerating,” Monty quickly interjected. “I mean, not entirely. But you’re not just going to randomly jump someone you see. It just makes you more prone to uh… wanting to have sex with someone. They just heighten everything. Including hormones.”

“And make you hallucinate,” Clarke added drily.

“That’s stage one,” came Jasper’s stage whisper, though he stopped when she whipped her glare towards him. 

“I promise they’re better than our last batch. For one,” Monty held up a finger. “We used less jobi nuts. We also adjusted our other ingredients to balance the trip out. So yes, hallucinations are first. And then it’s just a rollercoaster to the finish where everything is multiplied in intensity.”

“God why did I eat this, I don’t want to feel feelings,” Murphy cursed loudly. 

Maybe tonight wouldn’t be the worst night to escape his thoughts. He’d argue that he already felt too much, but it could be fun. He didn’t have to be the responsible older brother anymore. Or at least for tonight. And he’d never tried one of their “recipes” before, so why not?

So breaking the piece he had in hand in half, Bellamy popped it in his mouth. An explosion of chocolate filled his mouth, barely masking the salty crunch of the jobi nuts. As he quickly swallowed it, he swung around.

“What do you say, Princess?” Bellamy teased, his grin quirking up into a full-blown smirk. “You ready to be a badass?”

Clarke let out an incredulous snort. “Please. Do you really expect me to eat hallucinogenic brownies by two people I just barely met?”

* * *

She honestly thought the brownies would be a lot stronger. 

There was a sort of tingling at her fingertips though, similar to the feel of when she cast a spell. Little sparks that made her occasionally shiver. Most of her powers were settled within her after years of honing her control over them and so far the drugs seemed to be having minimal effects on her. 

One main difference though was the distracting glow emanating from Bellamy. 

Clarke rarely saw auras They were usually faint, just glimpses out of the corner of her eye if she didn’t look directly at someone. It was hardly a skill she’d bothered to cultivate, and tonight was no different. But whatever was in those nuts had strengthened it. But mainly for just one person.

When she’d turned down the brownie, Bellamy hadn’t been bothered at all and just simply placed the brownie back with the others. She appreciated him not pressuring her, but as much as she had adamantly refused, she couldn’t help but be curious. If she was to really partake, who better to do it with than Bellamy? 

It had been uninhibited thought that had made her blush, though luckily no one else noticed. 

They did notice when she defiantly grabbed a brownie and promptly ate it. 

And now she was here, sitting cross-legged on the cold pavement and wondering why Bellamy was glowing so strongly even though everyone else’s auras were the same as they had been when she had walked up. 

Academically, her brain told her that the nuts were working into her system and as someone who had magical capabilities, they were mixing together. Maybe that was why some people did this more often, to feel like they had heightened abilities. Watching the gold trail Bellamy as he did some type of kick flip, she decided she was overall enjoying it. 

Leaving her place had been such a spur of the moment decision – something Clarke wasn’t exactly prone to doing. But she’d been suffocating in her home tonight, the anxiety of her mom’s event curdled even more by the anniversary of her dad’s death. Out here though, with the night’s crisp air filling her lungs, surrounded by laughter, she felt a lift inside herself. She knew, even without knowing all of them well, that each of them had found an escape from something in their past or home lives tonight.

Humming to herself, she let her eyes finish wandering around the group and settled back on Bellamy.

This time, he had kicked his skateboard up and was watching as Monty and Monroe raced around him. He was in an undeniably better mood than earlier, which also gave her a sense of relief. She understood being protective of someone, but he couldn’t do it to the point of causing himself pain. 

It was while she was watching him that Miller quickly skated down the ramp, only to then quick jog over to Bellamy. His face was tense, grip tight against his board. 

Watching as Miller leaned in, Clarke took in the nervousness that suddenly crossed Bellamy’s face as his friend whispered something in his ear. When he was done, Miller cocked his head while Bellamy’s jaw clenched tightly, his gaze hard. They almost seemed to be having a silent conversation with each other. Eventually Bellamy’s mind appeared to be made up as he jerked his head in a nod. 

When he turned to Clarke then, a wide smile masked his previous expression and it was hard to not be a little suspicious.

“I think the gang’s going to split,” he said quietly to her once he had made his way back to her side in a few strides. “Wanna go for a walk?”

She nodded distractingly, unable to ignore the shivers that his voice was giving her. That and the gold shimmers around his face, dancing on the outskirts of his freckles, was enough to make her forget about his odd behavior after talking with Miller. 

“Here, I’ll help you up.” He had volunteered it before she could say anything, leaving her no choice but to follow his lead.

His grip was warm and dry against her and she felt a flush engulf her face as her mind betrayed her and zeroed in on the size difference of her hand in his. Her balance teetering, she selfishly clung onto him longer than she needed to as she got herself righted. The sparks in her fingers were going off stronger as she basked in Bellamy’s aura. They waved goodbye to the rest of them, getting a smattering of responses as they turned to head out – Jasper was clearly completely out of it now, Monty and Murphy not far behind.

The sky was black around them, illuminated in pieces by flickering neon lights. As they entered back closer into town, the buildings were crowded close together, a mishmash of heights that left a crooked horizon beside them. Night had fully overcome the area, though the moon and stars were cloaked in a heavy fog that hovered above them. The cement under her feet crackled and scraped as they walked, a far cry from the evenly smooth city sidewalks she had grown up with. These ones evoked memories that she could almost believe she had – the jobi nuts showing her a younger version of herself chasing up and down the pavement. Her heart pounded anxiously as she watched herself run after a scrawny, freckled-face boy with a mess of wild curls. Scraped knees and wild hearts.

She blinked and the hallucination was gone.

Her head spinning, Clarke tried to focus on what Bellamy was talking to her about. The aura around him was pulsing frantically, distracting her from his words. She almost felt dizzy, the energy around him so at odds with his tone. She wanted to grab his hand and to tell her what was wrong. But walking felt tricky enough as it was and he was waving his hands while he spoke. It would be too difficult.

The disappointment she had to swallow at not being able to hold his hand was surprising to her and she couldn’t fight the pout that she began to sport. She wanted to argue with herself that it was the brownies, her magic going haywire with the jobi nuts altering her state. But Monty and Jasper had been adamant. The jobi nuts heightened emotions, they didn’t fake anything. 

Which made it all the more difficult to process why she was very cross at not being able to hold Bellamy’s hand and why her eyes couldn’t leave the small scar above his lip.

Sure, she had found him attractive in high school when they’d first met. But she’d been too preoccupied with challenging him every step of the way to think beyond that. Old feelings die hard though, especially under the influence of something more powerful than years of hiding away her emotions. A night of escape seemed to land her face-first in confronting her very real feelings towards Bellamy.

Realizing he was still talking to her though, she shook her head sluggishly and fought to pay better attention.

He was giggling, something she hadn’t seen in a long time, describing to her what he was seeing. Apparently over by the truck at the gas station, aglow under the bright blue sign, a two-headed deer was staring at them. She dissolved into her own giggles as he described it to her, adopting the voice of an announcer on one of those educational documentaries.

“My mouth’s dry,” she whined abruptly. “I’m thirsty.”

Bellamy scrambled for his wallet before frowning at it. “I don’t have a ton of money on me.” 

Clarke shook her head, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the sidewalk. The medical side of her brain, from years of training under her mom, was running through the list of symptoms that came with taking a drug like this. She was less nervous about the jobi nuts than the synthetic drugs that mortals created, but she still wanted to be prepared. The only thing she couldn’t be sure of was if the sweating was from the effects or if it was from her awareness of how close Bellamy was to her. 

“I’ve got some extra cash, let’s just go in here.”

There was only one car in the store’s parking lot, a yellow and green glow cast down on the pavement from the flickering sign above it. The guy sitting at the cash register barely acknowledged them as they entered, eyes flicking up at them before landing back on his phone that was only inches from his face. 

It seemed to be part convenience store and dollar store, a mixture of food and drinks towards the front with some cheap supplies near the back. Clarke had never shopped in one of these before, though it certainly made sense that something like this would exist. Sometimes you had to whip up a spell on the spot or you couldn’t afford the highest quality ingredients for your potion. So of course, once they were inside she completely forgot about wanting something to drink and wandered back towards the herbs and ingredients. 

Potions were a bit of a speciality for her, so she ignored the swirling sparkles around her and oversized gorilla her mind saw peering into the window, and focused on browsing the small samples before her. She grew lost in thought, occasionally gasping at the price differences (especially compared to not as much of a quality difference as she expected). Bellamy wandered off to a different part, saying something about getting some stuff for them.

Seconds or minutes later, she couldn’t tell, a motion at the end of the aisle pulled her attention away from the dried herbs in front of her. It had only been a flash of movement, but it had been enough to catch her eye.

The nausea from outside had been dissipating but she could feel it begin to grumble in her stomach once more, tightening and coiling. 

She heard Bellamy a few aisles over, so it wasn’t him. She’d have known anyway in that pesky sort of way she always knew where he was. Uncontrollable fear was coursing through her and she almost was shaking as she slowly edged towards the movement. Blood pounded in her head and she almost didn’t even realize that she was covering her ears the further she walked.

Maybe it was just the attendant, trying to see what was taking them so long. It was late anyway, they probably would have rather just kept playing on their phone rather than worry about the two of them wandering the store. 

But she knew it wasn’t the cashier. She wasn’t sure how, but she knew.

Feeling like her legs were moving beyond her control, Clarke continued forward. Her heart thudded against her ribcage as she looked around the corner.

What she saw made her nearly stagger backwards, her breath sucked out from her in a gasp. She’d been expecting a variety of experiences while under the influence of the jobi nuts. Had she not taken them with the desire to just escape for once? To be a badass, as Bellamy had not so eloquently put it?

Samhain meant that the veil between the living and the dead was weakened, lifted. She hadn’t checked her phone since running into Bellamy, too determined to not see her mom or Wells’ attempts to track her down. So she could only assume that that time had clicked over past midnight, sending them into the official first part of the holiday. Maybe at one point after his death she had hoped that she would see her dad’s spirit. Give her one last glance at him, even in a ghostly form. But it had never happened. 

She wished it was a ghost.

Spirits are entirely different entities, a different energy to humans. But they’re energy all the same and the thing in front of her has nothing remotely human, past or present, about it. A hollowness permeated through it as much as it was also clearly standing in front of her. 

“Dad?” Clarke breathed out, her voice wobbling.

Jake Griffin stood before her, his gaze empty as he stared down at her. The buzzing fluorescent lights above them cast harsh shadows against his skin and she felt herself frozen in spot as he began to move closer to her. His movements were to normal, too natural. As if he had stepped out of her memories and into the store in front of her. As if a day hadn’t passed by since she had last seen him, hugging him as she raced to get to school early that day. He still had a fleck of pancake batter on the collar of his shirt. 

It was the cruelest hallucination her mind could conjure up. 

She let out a choking sob.

He was standing in front of her now and she felt her chest heaving with unshed tears as she watched him. His chest didn’t move, he didn’t breathe. 

He wasn’t really there. 

But that couldn’t stop the fresh pain that bloomed inside her chest as she sobbed, looking up at him. She began to sputter out words, nonsense as she babbled on. About how hard she had been trying to be good since he’s left but it’s so hard without him there.

The words just kept coming but he didn’t say anything. 

He just stared and stared and stared.

Around her, the rest of the convenience store has warped and darkened into something unrecognizable. It felt like an underground bunker and she wondered if for a moment she was trapped underground where he’s buried in the family cemetery.

Eventually her words died out and he stepped once more closer to her.

He was still an arms length away but it didn’t stop a forbidden bubble of hope growing inside her. Maybe, maybe if she just reached out and touched him everything would be okay again. So, her arm steadier than she even realized, she slowly began to lift her hand up. 

And then he flickered in and out of view.

She blinked a couple times in shock, watching as his figure began to glitch in front of her. A cry escaped her lips and she lunged forward, even though she had begun to accept that he wouldn’t really be there.

A flash and suddenly it was her mother standing before her.

Another flash and it was like a void was spinning in front of her, swirling and sending tendrils out towards her. 

The dawning realization that she really was hallucinating was creeping into her mind but she still was pulled forwards towards the void. Maybe if she thought hard enough, her dad would reappear. Maybe he was just beyond her reach in the vortex in front of her. She was repeating his name like a prayer as she stumbled forward, her shoes squeaking against the linoleum. 

Another flash.

When she blinked away the confusion, she nearly fell backwards.

Gone where the hallucinations and instead, a lanky man towering over her. Short, spiky blonde hair poked out of a black beanie and his frame, though lean, hulked over her. To her horror, he was very much real. She opened her mouth to shout for Bellamy, scrambling to spin around to go find him. Something was very wrong/

But then the weight of something hitting the back of her head sent her careening to the floor, crashing into a display of gaudy decor and cheap cauldrons.

Darkness fluttered in and out of her vision and she could barely make out shouts around her as her eyes closed. One voice sounded like the cashier, but the angriest one was Bellamy’s. She was sure of that even as her world spun and she lost consciousness.

* * *

What sounded like crying was enough to break Bellamy out of the stupor he was in. He’d been looking at snacks and maybe a soda for them, thinking of ways to bring back their energy after the damn brownies, when he’d suddenly found himself standing in what felt like a spaceship. Sounds of metal and steam clicked around him and he blinked multiple to clear the image, but to no avail. 

So he wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there, staring out a large window at what looked like some type of moon or planet, when he heard the crying.

Coming out of the hallucination was slow, so much so that it almost felt like he was entering another one before he realized where he actually was.

But something about the sound felt familiar, even though he was fairly sure he’d never heard that person cry before. The pulling in his gut was too strong though and his panic cleared his mind immediately.

_ Clarke _ . 

He juggled the soda bottles in hand as he quickly hurried to race around the corner to see where she was. Fuck he had no idea how long he had spaced out. His trip so far had so far been relatively tame if just odd at times, but he knew that not everyone had good ones – and it certainly wasn’t a guarantee for your first time.

The idea of Clarke having a bad trip, enough to make her cry, made him feel sick.

As he turned the corner though, his blood ran cold and Miller’s warning to him earlier came back to haunt him.

He watched just in time as Clarke started to turn to run towards him, only for her to collapse to the ground as his old nemesis swung a box at her head.

“DAX,” he barked. He barely realized he’d dropped the soda.

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _ . 

The taller man looked up and glared at Bellamy, though a smirk lazily stretched across his face as he did so. It had been a couple of years since he had seen him last but he was almost the exact same. Disjointed limbs attached to a tall, lean figure and a desperation that clouded him in every movement. 

“Get the hell away from her,” Bellamy continued, fighting to keep his voice from shaking.

Miller had warned him that Sterling had spotted the bastard skulking around their part of town, texting him to pass along the heads up. They had known he’d been after Bellamy. He just didn’t think he’d follow him all the way here. 

And of course it was the night he was hallucinating. 

He didn’t get time to think about that for long though, as Dax charged at him.

Bellamy was quick, but Dax’s legs were longer and the two of them crashed into a display of candy, sending it careening down. A shout from the front of the store indicated that the cashier had finally taken notice to the chaos, shouting at them as he appeared behind them. It didn’t matter though as Dax through a punch at Bellamy’s face, crunching against his cheekbone upon contact. Dax wouldn’t hesitate to murder him right here in the store, and hell he’d probably murder the clerk too. But that also meant he’d probably murder Clarke as well, and that was what pushed Bellamy to throw Dax off of him.

The two were already panting heavily as they stared each other down. Bellamy only gave him a beat before he yelled and ran towards Dax, tackling him and sending the two of them crashing through the front window of the store. 

He’d expected the pain to be worse, but Dax had taken the brunt of the explosion of glass around them. They tumbled into the parking lot and Bellamy quickly wiped away the pricking glass from his skin, flecks of blood coming away on the back of his hand. But he didn’t have time to worry too much about it as Dax staggered forward and into Bellamy. 

They fell to the ground just as Bellamy spotted a flash of blonde hair. 

“CLARKE, RUN!” Bellamy roared, struggling to force Dax off of him.

He barely got a glimpse of her in between dodging Dax’s swinging fists, jerking his head away in anticipation of each one. He hadn’t been in a fight in a while and it wasn’t coming back as naturally to him as he would have liked. He was really regretting eating one of those brownies tonight.

“I’m not leaving you,” she shouted back at him. Distress coated her voice and he could almost see her bouncing on the balls of her feet frantically, weighing what to do.

She clearly wasn’t going to leave and he would have sworn at her for her stubbornness if it wasn’t for the fact that he was too busy not getting his face bashed in by Dax. He squirmed and jerked around in Dax’s iron grip, doing whatever he could to disorient his attacker from having a clear shot. He almost missed seeing Clarke run up from behind and soccer kick Dax’s head.

It was shocking and he watched as Dax let out a guttural howl, jerking off of Bellamy and struggling to his knees. Clarke, panic written across her face, scrambled backwards and tried to dart out of his reach. 

She almost made it, but then with a grunt – Dax’s arm swept out and grabbed her ankle, sending her to the ground.

Clarke shrieked as Dax went to lunge onto her and Bellamy’s vision went red. 

“You stupid bitch,” he spat out. “You should have just let me kill him.” 

Anything else he was going to say was cut off by Bellamy jumping onto his back, arms locked around his neck and pulling back.

The two tumbled backwards and Clarke successfully was able to crawl away faster. It looked like her face was getting scratched up and he let that image burn into his mind as he held on tighter to a thrashing Dax. 

It was going as well as it could, until it wasn’t.

It only took one wrong move on his part and Dax had flipped himself over, his body weight crushing Bellamy’s chest and his hands gripping his throat. 

Bellamy kicked his legs as hard as he could, but the pressure on his neck was becoming too much. Clarke was shouting somewhere, he couldn’t tell if she was right there or if she was trying to pull Dax off. But she was too small and he watched as the night sky grew darker above him. His hands scuffed against the ground as he tried to find something, anything. He knew he only had so long.

He was beginning to see stars when his fingers brushed against something. 

Shards of glass.

His fingers, swollen and heavy from the disruption of blood flow in his body, struggled for a moment before they found a large piece. He made sure to send a prayer in thanks to the gods that he thought to throw themselves through the window.

And then he plunged the shard of glass into Dax’s throat.

Oxygen poured back to his head and he grasped for air as blood splattered against his face, his hand a deep crimson from where he’d cast the fatal wound. Time had frozen as he had done it, but it came rushing back as Dax’s body slumped off of him and Clarke’s face came into view. She helped him up and he was almost convulsing, his body fighting to come down from the panic of going into self-defense. 

He didn’t know where to look, his eyes wide and breathing shallow, as he took in everything that had just happened. Almost hyperventilating, he couldn’t think of what to do. Until he felt a gentle touch, and looked down to see Clarke staring sympathetically up at him as she cupped his face in her hands. His eyes fell shut involuntarily as he almost sagged into her grip.

Even though her hands were trembling against his cheeks, her grasp felt safe and at that moment she was his lifeline. His hands dug into her hips too tightly and while a part of him was worried about potential bruises he’d leave behind, he couldn’t help it. She was grounding him back, stopping him from floating away.

“Just breathe,” she whispered, her voice closer than he was expecting – though he didn’t dare open his eyes. “Focus on a place. Anywhere, anywhere but here. Take us there.”

Her words were rhythmic, washing over him in gentle waves. He didn’t have to think long at all about where to take them, their bodies tightly pressed together as they suddenly disappeared with a faint pop, just as faint sirens began to echo in the distance.

* * *

She hadn’t been sure what to expect when she asked Bellamy to teleport them away from there. Maybe his house, maybe even his college. 

Instead, as the squeeze of the teleportation left her body, she opened her eyes to a small room that almost looked like a cabin. Wooden slats let in small slices of light and as her vision adjusted to the darkness, she took in the simple furniture around them. All an eclectic grouping of pieces, it seemed like the room was haphazardly put together instead of something planned.

Bellamy had stepped away from her, his gaze downcast and arms hanging limply at my side.

As her gaze circled back to him, he seemed to understand her questioning look.

“It was always my secret hideout. When O’s dad started getting worse, my mom never wanted us to see it. There was this abandoned treehouse tucked back in the woods by our old house, but I started using my magic to expand it over time. Every fight they had… it’s become bigger. And it’s just all I have to myself now.” 

His voice was dull and he was rubbing at his hands anxiously. 

The blood.

Clarke frantically looked around her until her eyes landed on a small pail of water. A towel hung beside it and she quickly snagged the two before facing Bellamy again. He looked like he wanted to collapse in on himself.

“I’m a monster,” he whispered hoarsely. 

The intense euphoria and swirling emotions from the jobi nuts were fading and all she felt was heartbreak as she watched the man in front of her struggle with himself. She gently took ahold of his hand and led him to the couch that was tucked back in the corner of the room. He whispered it again and she clung to his hand as they sat down, her tucked in close to him as she folded her legs underneath her and helped wipe the blood off of his hands and face.

“All I do is hurt people,” he continued, his eyes refusing to meet hers now. “That guy? His name is–was, Dax.”

Clarke watched Bellamy closely, her hand stilling on his as the last of blood transferred to the towel her hand. She didn’t move it and he gripped it tightly in response as he continued.

“Back… back in high school we were tight on money. Even tighter than we are now. My mom was doing her best but I couldn’t let her keep overworking herself. We were too old to pretend to not know what she needed to do when we were younger. So I found my own work.” He almost spat his words out now. “I had used to judge her. Been so angry at her for giving up her body like that but then I realized how hard it really was to get money.”

She wasn’t sure the last time she had let out her breath, hanging onto Bellamy’s words with a sinking feeling in her stomach. 

“It started off easy. I was just a delivery boy but then the better I became, the more I learned. The ingredients and tools, they were for the black magic market. I was so scared and then headlines started coming up about people accidentally overdosing on potions they’d bought. I realized,” tears began to track down his cheeks once again, “that I was helping kill people.”

Clarke hadn’t meant for her choked back cry his words to be audible, but Bellamy looked up all the same at her. His expression crumbled even more.

“That’s why I’m a monster, Clarke. When I got out, I was able to pay off a few last debts but I knew it was too good to be true. I’d briefly worked with Dax, he was this warlock’s, Shumway, pet favorite, and I should have known he’d come for me eventually.”

Tears burned at her own eyes, but she didn’t want to interrupt him. Silence stretched on though and she clutched at his hand desperately. 

When the tears began to fill up his eyes again, Clarke scrambled to pull him closer to her. Without even thinking, she dropped a gentle kiss to his knuckles.

“Hey, hey,” she said softly. Using her other hand to draw his gaze towards her, she gave him a small smile.

“You saved my life today. I need you, Bellamy. You want forgiveness? I’ll give it to you, you’re forgiven.” The words tumbled out of her as his watery eyes stared back at her in pain. She would do anything to take that away from him. 

As she talked, the two of them continued to grow closer together. He leaned in towards her and she finished her sentence with her lips pressed against his forehead. His curls were matted down by sweat from the fight earlier, as well as her tentative job wiping away the blood. When she’d run out of words to convey to him to him how much she cared for him no matter what, she instead continued to press her lips to his skin. Dropping faint kisses across his forehead and down his cheekbones.

Nervously, she finally pulled away from him. But only just barely as his grip tightened to keep her close. She’d nearly risen up on her legs, crouched directly in front of him with her face only a breath away from his. 

Even in the dimness of the room, she could see the swirls of emotions in his eyes. The darkness that had overtaken them.

“You’re hurt,” he said suddenly, his voice soft but dismayed. A touch of anger at the idea.

She went to correct him, more concerned about his injuries than her own, but she was silenced by his hand tracing at the side of her face. His fingers were light and cautious against her skin and she held her breath, as if to almost keep herself from scaring him away. 

And then, mirroring her own actions, he tilted his head and kissed her cheek. 

His kisses trailed hesitantly across her, ghosting across her skin as he moved as if he couldn’t bare to pull himself away from her skin. His breath was warm against her, making her shiver and lean into him more. She was too nervous to rotate her head to connect with his lips; she didn’t want to scare him off. Instead she waited, as he moved from cut to bruise until finally his lips were beside hers.

That pause felt the longest and her breathing was labored as she watched him flick his eyes from her lips to hers. A miniscule nod and then he was kissing her. 

She almost gasped into his mouth as his lips moved against hers. She’d guiltily dreamed of this moment before, when he wasn’t hers to dream about, but it didn’t compare to this. The softness of his lips, the urgency in which they stayed connected to each other. In one swift movement, he hoisted her from her crouched position and onto his lap. Her legs straddled his and suddenly the angle was easier, allowing her to better tilt her head as her tongue slipped through and traced against his mouth. Her hands were free from balancing to now roam his body, running across his shoulders before tangling in his hair.

She could get lost in his kisses forever, her nerve-endings on fire and her mind a scattering of fireworks from the feel of him beneath her. 

He let out a groan and instant heat shot to her core and she responded with one of her own, suddenly keenly aware of the physical effects that she was having on him. She didn’t even want to pause to breathe, continuing her kissing as she let her hips move as they wanted to.

Something seemed to register with Bellamy though because he pulled himself out of the kiss, leaving her nearly chasing him as he rested his head against hers.

“Fuck,” he groaned, his nose nuzzling her cheek. “God damn jobi nuts, it’s that stage that Jasper mentioned.”

He began to pull away and Clarke was embarrassed at the whimper that fell from her lips as a coolness replaced where he had been.

“I know you want to comfort me but I don’t want the drugs in us to make you do anything you don’t want,” he explained to her. His mouth was twisted into a grimace as if he could barely bring himself to say the words, his voice tight. She of course appreciated the chivalry and his concern about keeping themselves consensual. 

But she remembered what else Monty said after Jasper’s speech. 

“Remember when they explained it more though? It’s just us that our heightened. It doesn’t fabricate any feelings,” she quickly said, pressing her forehead against his. “If we’re feeling this, we both want it.”

She couldn’t help the pleading note to her voice, her hand rubbing gently at the stubble on Bellamy’s cheek. 

He was silent, the only sign of him hearing her words shown in the way his hands edged their way under her t-shirt. She wasn’t sure when she had taken her flannel off, but now she just knew that it was one less layer between them. Bellamy’s hands were scorching against her skin as the fabric of her shirt gave way and bunched up to allow him access to the expanse of her back. 

The memory of the care he had always shown in handling ingredients in their potions class ignited a further heat through her body. 

She wanted his hands to take care of her as well.

“You want... me?”

The way he asked, almost desperately, conveyed more than just his words. He wasn’t just asking if she wanted to have sex with him (an obvious answer as she challenged herself to not just grind down on him), but if she wanted  _ him _ . 

She knew she did. Beyond the lingering effects of the jobi nut brownies and the adrenaline of their night, she knew that these were real feelings. Ones that she had tried to cast aside as they had gone their separate ways, convinced that he would never feel something for her even if their paths crossed again. But this night had thrown them back at each other again and she wasn’t planning on wasting her chance.

“I want all of you Bellamy, I promise. I’m not even sure how much I’m still feeling the effects of them, but I promise the jobi nuts are just encouraging me to say what I should have at your graduation,” she admitted breathlessly. 

Earlier he hadn’t been able to look at her, now the intensity of his gaze was so heavy and intense that she couldn’t help but squirm under it. She had always wondered if he remembered that day, when she’d pulled together every ounce of courage she had just to kiss him on the cheek. Judging by his expression, he did. 

Bellamy’s aura flashed a bright gold out of nowhere before he lunged forward and captured her mouth again. 

Their first kiss was nearly a peck at increased power behind this one. 

No longer leaving any space between each other, their bodies tangled together as they kissed each other fiercely. Bellamy teeth nipped at her bottom lip and she dragged her nails down his spine until he shivered and groaned into her. 

His mouth latched onto her throat as his fingers fumbled against the clasp of her bra, sucking at a pressure that would no doubt leave marks behind. If she thought she’d care about it tomorrow, she could always do a small glamor spell to hide them. But as his teeth nipped at her skin, his breath hot against her, she felt a spike of pleasure at the idea of being so openly marked by him. 

Unfortunately her bra seemed to be providing more difficulty than he felt like dealing with, because a moment later he grunted and with a wave of his hand, it was undone and on the ground across the room.

“Thank god for magic,” he grunted against her skin before pulling back to look at her fully. She would have laughed at his frustration but she was too drunk on the way he was staring at her and the intertwining of their magic together. She could feel it within her chest as the air shimmered around them.

She didn’t know if the stars she saw while they kissed where from their magic, the jobi nuts, or a combination of the two as she felt her body go into a sensory overload. 

His breath was hot against her skin as he returned to her body and trailed open-mouthed kisses down her neck, occasionally latching onto a spot, biting and gently sucking on a spot until her toes curled and the low moans coming from her didn’t even feel like they belong to her. She raked her hands through his hair once he reached his destination, holding him tightly to her chest as his own hands gripped her ass tightly. 

The chill of the autumn night was completely gone as she felt a trickle of sweat roll down her neck, their heavy breathing and close proximity cranking the temperature up between them. 

Not wanting to be the only one, she clamored to get his shirt off as well before letting him return to what he had been doing. The heat of his body against hers was making her delirious and she made a mental note to spend more time focusing on it another night.

Right now her body was zeroed in on one goal.

Time melted into itself as Clarke hurried to her feet to quickly pull her pants off. Bellamy likewise, removed his and breathlessly she quickly returned to straddling him. He was almost too gentle with her at first, murmuring affectionate words into her ear as she eased down onto him. The stuttering way she breathed out his name made him clutch her tighter, but he didn’t move any faster. Not until she had settled down onto him, her body on fire from the pleasure of being filled by him. 

When it seemed like he was waiting for her encouragement, her permission, she urgently began to set the pace. A haze of gasping breaths and roving hands overtook her senses, their faces never too far from the other. The kisses were half-finished, too distracted to focus on only one part of the other. One hand twisted into her hair and the other moving down and further down…

If she thought she had experienced euphoria before, from earlier sexual experiences before or even from the drugs tonight, she had been mistaken. 

Being with Bellamy, truly being with him, was a high she couldn’t replicate.

Not long after she came down from her orgasm, Bellamy finished as well – though they didn’t dare to pull apart from each other. Regardless of his past or what she felt like she was running away from, right now they were safe in each others’ arms. 

As her breathing returned to normal, Clarke realized that the remaining hold of the jobi nuts had disappeared. True to their word, Jasper and Monty had been right about these ones not being too strong. Experiencing the hallucinations had certainly been… interesting. She wasn’t going to be racing to experiment again any time soon. But the exhilaration of the night had been one that she would never forget. And as her hand unconsciously traced Bellamy’s bicep, she knew that she wouldn’t take it back for anything if it meant that she now had him as a part of her life. 

After helping clean each other up and redress, as Bellamy closed his eyes to transport them, Clarke realized she hadn’t even thought about going back to her home. So when she felt the familiar tug of teleporting, she unsurprisingly opened her eyes to the small white house on the corner still in Arkadia. 

Finally remembering to check her phone as they walked up to it, Clarke realized that it was somehow already two in the morning. She did indeed have a handful of missed calls and texts, though both parties (her mom and Wells), concluding that if she just sent a text confirming her safety, they’d leave her alone. Shooting off a quick text to each of them, she then let Bellamy tuck his arm around her waist and they walked up to the house.

There was one light on in the kitchen and Clarke watched as Octavia, and the woman she assumed was Bellamy’s mom, poke their heads out. 

“I can’t believe you gave me shit tonight and then you left all night. Oh – hey, Clarke,” Octavia’s eyes widened as she took in who was beside her brother. 

Clarke shuffled her feet, a blush threatening to bloom on her face, as she waved to the two Blake women. 

“Why don’t you two make yourselves comfortable? I was just prepping some ingredients for tomorrow’s dinner,” his mom called out, as Clarke vaguely remembered that her name was Aurora. 

“You should be in bed, Mom. It’s late.”

Bellamy had immediately stepped back into responsibility mode and it almost made Clarke giggle after the night that they had just had. Aurora shooed him away from her and gestured towards a collection of ingredients. They went with a soft smile exchanged between them.

The house soon filled with the smell of spices, only increasing as Octavia drifted over to the family altar in the living room to finish decorating. Incense tickled Clarke’s nose and she looked over as Octavia placed rosemary sprigs and feathers beside a small black and white photograph. Octavia had made an offhand comment once about her dad passing away in a motorcycle accident and it made Clarke’s heart pang in familiarity. 

She was soon distracted by the warmth of Bellamy’s arms encircling her, his nose burrowing into her hair. 

“You smell like home,” he mumbled, almost unconsciously as she felt him yawn against her head. It sent shivers of happiness down her spine at the idea. 

When she had escaped tonight, all those hours ago, she had just wanted to get away. To run away from the problems and emotions that had plagued her at home. She’d told Bellamy that she hadn’t wanted to be around anyone she cared about – a clear lie even if he hadn’t known it at the time. She’d chosen him then, and she’d chosen him later as their bodies had come together.

And she would always choose him, she promised to herself as she leaned up to kiss him once more.

**Author's Note:**

> #say no to jobi nuts
> 
> The moodboard for this fic can be found [here](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/post/188812099159/if-it-takes-you-will-it-break-you-for)! Thank you so much for the love on this story and for voting for it!
> 
> **where else you can find me:** [Tumblr](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.tumblr.com/) | [Twitter](https://twitter.com/the_river_held) | [my carrd](https://she-who-the-river-could-not-hold.carrd.co/)


End file.
